WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

Change is always something that confounds me. For some people, it seems so easy, yet for me, it is always so difficult.

Perhaps I acclimate to things too easily. When I left my boyfriend’s house earlier in the week, it was sad, despite the fact that we have been long distance for 4.5 out of the 5 years of our relationship, so we must constantly say goodbye to one another.

Now I am home at my mom’s house, and tomorrow I must return to my apartment as Spring Break ends, and I am dreading saying goodbye to my beloved Seamus and my mom. So often, I feel at home in my apartment at school, but now that I am truly home, I remember that the place I live is merely temporary, and I would not rather be there.

Perhaps what I really fear is not change but saying goodbye. Once I am away from someone, I no longer have control. I cannot protect them or ensure that they are smiling every day or exhibit my undying love as fully as I would like to. Things get lost over text message or even phone calls. My boyfriend and I discuss rote topics. My mother tries to think of every funny story she’s heard in the past month, just to keep me entertained. Seamus doesn’t understand why I am trapped in a box and he can only hear my voice.

I am afraid, I think, that these people’s live will deteriorate in my absence, not because I am gone, but because I cannot lend my support to help life to go right. I cannot control life. I understand that, but part of me wants to be the hero for everyone I love.

And when I am far away, I simply cannot do that.

I am afraid that lives will change, and I will not notice. I will miss important things when I desperately want to be caught in the middle of it all but cannot because of school or distance or lack of money.

Or maybe I am afraid that I will change too much. And I just won’t be recognized when I return to all the people I love. Because I always know me, but sometimes, when others see me, I’m suddenly a different person.

6 thoughts on “WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?

  1. Distance is hard when you’re away from people you love. My husband and I had a long distance relationship for 2 years, and the hardest part of leaving every time was saying goodbye to his dog (who immediately became my dog the day we finally moved in together. haha) It’s good that you realize the place where you live is temporary, and before long you’ll be living with the people you love again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting slice and it brought to me many thoughts. I’ve never had a long distance relationship with my husband, but am now experiencing it with my son, who is seven hours away and now my mom who is three hours away. I, too, hate saying goodbye even though I know we will see each other again, but it does not make it easier. I hope your distance grows shorter so your fears are eliminated or at least decreased.

    Like

  3. I often get settled back into the routines of being home when I visit my parents, and it is usually sad for the first few days after I have left. But then you will get back into your own routines and things will go back to normal.

    Liked by 1 person

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