Change is always something that confounds me. For some people, it seems so easy, yet for me, it is always so difficult.
Perhaps I acclimate to things too easily. When I left my boyfriend’s house earlier in the week, it was sad, despite the fact that we have been long distance for 4.5 out of the 5 years of our relationship, so we must constantly say goodbye to one another.
Now I am home at my mom’s house, and tomorrow I must return to my apartment as Spring Break ends, and I am dreading saying goodbye to my beloved Seamus and my mom. So often, I feel at home in my apartment at school, but now that I am truly home, I remember that the place I live is merely temporary, and I would not rather be there.
Perhaps what I really fear is not change but saying goodbye. Once I am away from someone, I no longer have control. I cannot protect them or ensure that they are smiling every day or exhibit my undying love as fully as I would like to. Things get lost over text message or even phone calls. My boyfriend and I discuss rote topics. My mother tries to think of every funny story she’s heard in the past month, just to keep me entertained. Seamus doesn’t understand why I am trapped in a box and he can only hear my voice.
I am afraid, I think, that these people’s live will deteriorate in my absence, not because I am gone, but because I cannot lend my support to help life to go right. I cannot control life. I understand that, but part of me wants to be the hero for everyone I love.
And when I am far away, I simply cannot do that.
I am afraid that lives will change, and I will not notice. I will miss important things when I desperately want to be caught in the middle of it all but cannot because of school or distance or lack of money.
Or maybe I am afraid that I will change too much. And I just won’t be recognized when I return to all the people I love. Because I always know me, but sometimes, when others see me, I’m suddenly a different person.